You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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