Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
