I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
