my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
