I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
