Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were trust falling into bushes
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
