She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
