Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Randomize
