she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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