my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
