Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
