So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
