his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
