I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
