I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm at about main and main street
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
