I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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