Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
