I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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