he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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