Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have aggressive nipples.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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