Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
