omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
