I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
