That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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