I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
