when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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