Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
