Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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