I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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