shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
