All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
