okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
