he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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