So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
