We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
