so explain again why im purple
no
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
