i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
