if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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