The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
