bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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