they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
