had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
