So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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