the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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