Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
a search helicopter?!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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