The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
