Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
