Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
