3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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