its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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